Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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