Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
