I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
