I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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