you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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