Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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