Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
