I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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