I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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