I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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