I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
