Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Your penis caused this!
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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