I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
