well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
