True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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