I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
