I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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