just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
