I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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