I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
