Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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