I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
do nipples grow back?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
