i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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