no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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