swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
