i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
