Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize