I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
