I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
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