When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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