yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
