Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
