No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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