No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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