He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
