i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You pole danced in your parka.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize