i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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