I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
