Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
