I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
