Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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