So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Everything about him screamed your future.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
