one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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