i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
