so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
