My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
