you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Dear god my vagina.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
