Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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