as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
