You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
