4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
3pm strippers are depressing
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
