The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
