Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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