Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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