i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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