The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
