OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
