For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
