I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
