I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
