I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
