my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
