In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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